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I was scared today

A brown boy

Who resembled my brother

With a ski mask

Pulled up over his head

Got on my train car

I gave him a half smile

Acutely aware of

The kindle fire

I fumbled to tuck into my bag

And I was nervous

I thought he might take

My new found Christmas present

I was reading

A book oddly enough called

Colonize this

People of color writing about

How colonization has impacted

The way they do life

Do love

Relate to people who look just like them

Somewhere between a college

Degree

And being a “young professional”

I have found myself in a weird

Juxtaposition 

Unable to relate

To my community

And scared

Of how un-black

That makes me

Then guilty

For ascension is never easy

With a race

A people

on your back

I was scared today

And I felt guilty

As I toyed with my coffee cup

I wondered if people saw me

What they would think

What kind of nicely dressed

Nigger bitch is scared of a

18 year old who could be her brother

Would it justify all their hatred if I too

Was nervous

One who

Preaches self love

And community

But is not quite sure what

The fuck that means

And who she is accountable to

I don’t know how this shell of a woman

The same one

That walked alleys with boys

With more bodies

Then parts

Teardrops and

Gang tattoos

Stuffed drugs in titties

Growing from puberty

And drove in stolen cars

More times than

She would ever admit

Could be scared

Where is fearless

Where is belonging

Where is home

When not only it but you

have become unrecognizable?

I was nervous today

And I wonder what kind of

Black girl

Clenches something

That isn't hers

Closely to her chest

So afraid of what she might loose

What she might give up

That she holds on to

A life that doesn't really belong to her

What kind of fraud what kind

Of colonized

Self loathing

White loving

Yuppie

Does it make me

That a boy who looked like my brother

Scared me

And I

Now scare me too