we are

we are women
who love men
who love themselves

women who risk and
pray
and rise
and pray
and lay
and pray

we are women
who plan
and plot
how to roll away stones
at tombs
hostile
takeovers
in Sundays
best

sometimes though in the quiet
of the morning
in the stillness of the trees
who sit undisturbed
nothing can be heard
but anxious breathe

we want to scream
in the silence
make a scene
disturb the stillness
so that
for once
something can feel like we do

have you ever
held your self together for someone else?
taken shallow breaths so someone else could exhale?
have you ever cried for 90 seconds
because that how long you had?

we are women who love
women who love us
when we cant love us

we are women who work
and wait
and wait and work

women who try and ty
and try and ty

made out of silk
and cotton
our hearts are woven together
tightly until we give someone
a pair of scissors
and the potential to hurt us

we are women
who take the mess
of life and make masterpieces

women who live in a world
but are from somewhere not of here
we are of the soil
and the sand

women who know we are only as strong
as our last heartbreak and
best friendship

The older we get, the more we understand that the women who know us and love us - and love us despite what they know about us - are the joists that hold up the house of our existence. Everything depends on them. 

bracing

Bracing

I wont be held hostage by your feelings for me
The ones you cant process
So you allow them to chew over in your mouth
Mix with insecurities
And double over with fear
Until that which is good becomes bitter
And no I didn’t ask you for your heart
I was contend
To wait unitl you gave it freely
So please don’t treat me as if
You are doing me a favor

And fear seem the basis
Of all of our doubts
And I doubt if you even
See me anymore the way I show up
Don’t withhold yourself from me
Id rather you leave
Then be half hazard
With my feelings
you said once you prayed you wouldnt hurt me
what did you think ignoring me would do
what would it solve

i am forgiving
but i am not stupid
i wont watch you
become unfamiliar
and wait on the sidelines
i told you my secrets
thats my own foolishness
i own that
i have learned
nobody can hold me
better than i can

and so its over
as quickly as it started
and im left bracing
for impact once again
waiting for the crash
for the tower
to come crumbling
and to feel
but that never happens

im so used to being left
i never leave
this time though
im walking away knowing
i was vulnerable
i tried my dammest to be seen
you just couldnt handle
what you saw

and no i dont fit into small boxes
and neat spaces
i am contradictions
and tension
i am a workaholic
who hates working out
who gives her last without question
or regard
i snore
i have big boobs bras dont hold
i like holding hands in public
i would have sat still for you

i would have waited for you to come
home from parties drunk
held your head over toilets

it wouldnt always be sunny
but i would go to hell and back
for light

im not perfect
i cuss to much
think to often
disconnect fast
i struggle
i dont always communicate well

but i would have tried for you
i would have left work at work
turned off my phone

i would have never tried to change you
i would just become a better me

and no im not three square meals a day
i drink to much coffee
i baby my brother
i go to church to often
i am distracted
and organized chaos
is how you once put it

but i would have laughed and cried with you
i would have been broke with you
and fought with you
i would create memories with you
and climb mountains
and cook meals
i would have been a mirror for you
so that you could see your best self

now im just bracing for the next impact
the next heartbreak
the next mis step
praying the next time im honest
and vulnerable with a man
he doesn't decide im not worth the fight

fear

fear speaks in a voice that
sounds like someone i trust
tells me run in the
opposite direction
away from the unknown
and in times of transition
like these i want to listen
to fear
stroke his ego
tell him he is right
and righteous
tell him im sorry
for ever doubting him
for imaging possibilities
and promises
tell him he is my one true
love
no one else could ever know
my dreams
my desires like he does
and thats why his voice
speaks so loudly
it drowns out my own

fear tells me that every thing
that could happen will happen
so i brace walk around tense
and stressed worried
about falling in love
and out
worried that every call
or every word spoken
or not means something

fear tells me my worth is predicated on my
work and so my work
becomes my worth
and i forget to dance
to eat
to live
to learn
to be
with my whole heart

there are some non negotiables
to fear
one is surrender
i must turn over everything in my pockets
in my purse
he needs full range
he needs all my attention
all my devotion
and so i come in empty
and you fill me up

second is intuition
he cant have me listening to my gut
he must have me in isolation
so only his words ring true

third is unworthiness
i must be convinced that
nothing else is acceptable or possible
and fear has won

but there was something in my hands he
didn't confiscate
something he missed during our first
water boarding session
where i was completely
immersed
drowning in his lies
learning to swallow him
and throw up anything else
it was hope

hope a small thread
of grace wound up wrapped around my fingers
and i held on to it for dear life
rubbing it between
my index and thumb just to make
sure it was real it was there
and it spoke to me
for the first time this morning
as i laid choking
and crying on fear
screaming and swallowing

it said
you are more than enough
and i dont why but this morning i believed it
this morning
i trusted something other than fear

i dont know the awsers
most days i dont know the questions
i dont know the outcome
most days it doesnt matter
i just know that today
i saw my first love as a liar
and i dont know if i could ever look at him the same

its not failure that scares me
i do that daily
and the promise
and possibilities of
a life more than
that make me thankful for hope
and grateful that i finally saw him
for who he is