fear

fear speaks in a voice that
sounds like someone i trust
tells me run in the
opposite direction
away from the unknown
and in times of transition
like these i want to listen
to fear
stroke his ego
tell him he is right
and righteous
tell him im sorry
for ever doubting him
for imaging possibilities
and promises
tell him he is my one true
love
no one else could ever know
my dreams
my desires like he does
and thats why his voice
speaks so loudly
it drowns out my own

fear tells me that every thing
that could happen will happen
so i brace walk around tense
and stressed worried
about falling in love
and out
worried that every call
or every word spoken
or not means something

fear tells me my worth is predicated on my
work and so my work
becomes my worth
and i forget to dance
to eat
to live
to learn
to be
with my whole heart

there are some non negotiables
to fear
one is surrender
i must turn over everything in my pockets
in my purse
he needs full range
he needs all my attention
all my devotion
and so i come in empty
and you fill me up

second is intuition
he cant have me listening to my gut
he must have me in isolation
so only his words ring true

third is unworthiness
i must be convinced that
nothing else is acceptable or possible
and fear has won

but there was something in my hands he
didn't confiscate
something he missed during our first
water boarding session
where i was completely
immersed
drowning in his lies
learning to swallow him
and throw up anything else
it was hope

hope a small thread
of grace wound up wrapped around my fingers
and i held on to it for dear life
rubbing it between
my index and thumb just to make
sure it was real it was there
and it spoke to me
for the first time this morning
as i laid choking
and crying on fear
screaming and swallowing

it said
you are more than enough
and i dont why but this morning i believed it
this morning
i trusted something other than fear

i dont know the awsers
most days i dont know the questions
i dont know the outcome
most days it doesnt matter
i just know that today
i saw my first love as a liar
and i dont know if i could ever look at him the same

its not failure that scares me
i do that daily
and the promise
and possibilities of
a life more than
that make me thankful for hope
and grateful that i finally saw him
for who he is