bracing

Bracing

I wont be held hostage by your feelings for me
The ones you cant process
So you allow them to chew over in your mouth
Mix with insecurities
And double over with fear
Until that which is good becomes bitter
And no I didn’t ask you for your heart
I was contend
To wait unitl you gave it freely
So please don’t treat me as if
You are doing me a favor

And fear seem the basis
Of all of our doubts
And I doubt if you even
See me anymore the way I show up
Don’t withhold yourself from me
Id rather you leave
Then be half hazard
With my feelings
you said once you prayed you wouldnt hurt me
what did you think ignoring me would do
what would it solve

i am forgiving
but i am not stupid
i wont watch you
become unfamiliar
and wait on the sidelines
i told you my secrets
thats my own foolishness
i own that
i have learned
nobody can hold me
better than i can

and so its over
as quickly as it started
and im left bracing
for impact once again
waiting for the crash
for the tower
to come crumbling
and to feel
but that never happens

im so used to being left
i never leave
this time though
im walking away knowing
i was vulnerable
i tried my dammest to be seen
you just couldnt handle
what you saw

and no i dont fit into small boxes
and neat spaces
i am contradictions
and tension
i am a workaholic
who hates working out
who gives her last without question
or regard
i snore
i have big boobs bras dont hold
i like holding hands in public
i would have sat still for you

i would have waited for you to come
home from parties drunk
held your head over toilets

it wouldnt always be sunny
but i would go to hell and back
for light

im not perfect
i cuss to much
think to often
disconnect fast
i struggle
i dont always communicate well

but i would have tried for you
i would have left work at work
turned off my phone

i would have never tried to change you
i would just become a better me

and no im not three square meals a day
i drink to much coffee
i baby my brother
i go to church to often
i am distracted
and organized chaos
is how you once put it

but i would have laughed and cried with you
i would have been broke with you
and fought with you
i would create memories with you
and climb mountains
and cook meals
i would have been a mirror for you
so that you could see your best self

now im just bracing for the next impact
the next heartbreak
the next mis step
praying the next time im honest
and vulnerable with a man
he doesn't decide im not worth the fight