stories

I haven’t felt myself

The weight of the work

Carried on shoulders

Not strong enough

To know that it is not me

Who sustains this

I think sometimes

That I must have a

Big ego

Some confidence

An audacity

To dream the world different

But I am just a girl

Who looks though

Pyramids

And sees possibilities

Narrow lens

And see a way

And I carry stories

Ones that threaten

To choke me

If I ever forgot

Their impact

Their magnitude

And this is an ode

For stories

For the people

Who have made it impossible

To forget

And the ones yet to come

And ode to my story

That converges

And meets in the middle

To the students

The women

The folks

Who inspire me

To fight

When Im down to nothing

Thank you

Because

I wouldn’t be myself

Wouldn’t feel myself

If I forgot

If I didn’t remember

 You

The work will be there

I will be there

The stories make it possible

To believe in something different

untitled

I was scared today

A brown boy

Who resembled my brother

With a ski mask

Pulled up over his head

Got on my train car

I gave him a half smile

Acutely aware of

The kindle fire

I fumbled to tuck into my bag

And I was nervous

I thought he might take

My new found Christmas present

I was reading

A book oddly enough called

Colonize this

People of color writing about

How colonization has impacted

The way they do life

Do love

Relate to people who look just like them

Somewhere between a college

Degree

And being a “young professional”

I have found myself in a weird

Juxtaposition 

Unable to relate

To my community

And scared

Of how un-black

That makes me

Then guilty

For ascension is never easy

With a race

A people

on your back

I was scared today

And I felt guilty

As I toyed with my coffee cup

I wondered if people saw me

What they would think

What kind of nicely dressed

Nigger bitch is scared of a

18 year old who could be her brother

Would it justify all their hatred if I too

Was nervous

One who

Preaches self love

And community

But is not quite sure what

The fuck that means

And who she is accountable to

I don’t know how this shell of a woman

The same one

That walked alleys with boys

With more bodies

Then parts

Teardrops and

Gang tattoos

Stuffed drugs in titties

Growing from puberty

And drove in stolen cars

More times than

She would ever admit

Could be scared

Where is fearless

Where is belonging

Where is home

When not only it but you

have become unrecognizable?

I was nervous today

And I wonder what kind of

Black girl

Clenches something

That isn't hers

Closely to her chest

So afraid of what she might loose

What she might give up

That she holds on to

A life that doesn't really belong to her

What kind of fraud what kind

Of colonized

Self loathing

White loving

Yuppie

Does it make me

That a boy who looked like my brother

Scared me

And I

Now scare me too

Whole Heart

Half woman

Half gypsy

My heart wonders

Aimlessly over hills

To restless

To settle on one spot

It may find rest

Instead

Im unsteady

Wobbles on unsure legs

I doubt

Will hold the weight

Of which I carry

Weight

That is found around fat

Edges of a heart

That drifts

Picks up

Debris of the wind

And wonders if it is possible

To ever stop

Or be still

Still waiting

Wishing that there would be

Some place I felt

I belong

I am no rebel

My nature

Dictates

That I must leave

Fear of failing

Makes me press on

constantly juggling

The practical

With the free

Free is how I love

While I carry open

Wounds I have yet to

Allow someone to cauterize

I give

Free falling

Equate love with never saying no

Because

No is a word

That has consequence negation

Has a but

But I am just woman

Just gypsy

Whose empty places

Take up a lot of 

Room in still ness

In sameness

In not leaving

Leaving is safe

A place my insolence

My inability

To conform 

Allows 

Leaving is always better

Than being left

Bitter jilted 

Gypsy

Who love left behind who love forgot

Forgot 

How hard it was 

To pry you heart 

Out of someone else's 

Hands as they hold on for 

Dear life

They don't know they are killing you 

Their love is strangling 

Your life 

The more you wrestle 

The tighter they get 

There are pieces that remain 

In their hands 

Permanent ink on palms 

Until we say words 

Like I need a whole heart

Whole 

scared

A pulling downward

Some kind of force

Bigger than I’m willing

To say

My voice may crack

I cannot be trusted

With the sound

Of my own name

My own gifts

They choke

In a throat

That needs

Water

I am parched

Dry

Unwilling

Scared

Stubborn

So I fight the love

rest in the fear

Run fast

And remain aloof

I dare you to chase me

I dare you to not

There is not easy way

To win

To clear answers

Nothing to do

But let me wander

Back to you

To me

No

Some of us did not die

In the war

Some of us

Escaped

Went into ourselves

Recoiled

And shape shifted to fit

In corners

Our bones bent forever

To fit tight spaces

Some of us fought bravely

Lost limbs in a war our own

Some of us

Just drift downward

We become quack mire

Sinking sand

Some just are scared

Some just are scared

firewall

Firewall

There are some fire walls

Ones built up

With strong materials

Fortified

By time

And tested

By lovers like you

There are some fire walls

Ones that

Come from not having

A mother

Not knowing where you

Belong

If you are just another regret

I said the last time

Was the last time

That.. that time

Was the worse time

I took a vow

Of loving myself first

And build the fire wall

It won’t be penetrated

By persistence

Or good conversation

It won’t be knocked down

By compliments

It’s strong

Tough like

Me

I build a firewall

I’ve taken to many

Hits

To not be careful

I can’t afford

To be careless with my tender

Heart

I built a firewall

And by cover of night

I secretly wish you would

Knock it down 

that you would extinguish 

any trace of resistance

any hint of doubt 

that the firewall 

would become

our love fireproofed 

its raining in Anacostia

It’s raining in Anacostia 

All the street corner prophets on

The block of

Good Hope Road

Have traded sermons and

Daps

For umbrellas

And quick steps

No one wants to get caught in the rain

We have seen too much of it

So we scurry

Off to places unknown

Cuss metro buses

A8 and W6

Slower

On streets

Lines with potholes

Promises

And sleek from the wetness

Of it all

Tears blend into rain drops

Maybe it’s raining

Rain knows

We can’t be insular

 Isolated

Bound by unspoken lines

And rivers forever

There is development going up

St. Elizabeth’s East

And housing prices rising

On the horizon

It’s raining in Anacostia

Quiet today

Solemn for is

What has been?

And what is coming 

quicksteps

Don't ever be so sure of your steps
Your forget falling
I can't tell you how many times
I've tripped
Over familiar paths
I consider myself sure footed
Able to navigate
Look down occasionally
But for the most part look ahead
Backwards sometimes
To fortify myself
To remember
But often times
It makes me quicken the pace
there is somethings there
i would rather forget
i end up running
fast without any idea
of why
i am going
so full speed ahead into the unknown
i think i like
the challenge
the undoableness
of it all
it beckons me
so i quickstep
in love
into work
into life 

never looking 

down

for landmines
cliffs
that are unexpected
hurdles my legs are
not yet strong enough to jump
how often
i have not been careful
my mother would call me clumsy
half hazard

i just like the rush of rushing
in my youth
my body
my mind
my heart was able to recover faster
from missteps
and mistakes
i am learning in
maturity
to be cautious
still adventurous
still free
still willing
just wise
to the lessons
learned from falling
hard
and not having
anyone to tell me slow down
so im telling you 

Don't ever be so sure of your steps
Your forget falling
I can't tell you how many times
I've tripped

   Over familiar paths